Writings of a Beholder 🌿 5.3.24

The Circle of Security

When I first shared with my husband that our family of four (us, plus the two fur babies) would be growing into a family of five, I remember one of the first things he wanted to do was read some kind of book together on parenting.

After a lot of research and asking for recommendations from others, he landed on a book called Raising A Secure Child by Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell.

To be honest, I was a bit skeptical at first about the whole ‘let’s read a parenting book together’ thing. But when I opened the book and read the introduction, I knew it was going to be good. The book introduces parents, or soon-to-be parents, to secure attachment style by educating them on what they call the Circle of Security. The theory is that children have a set of physical and emotional needs that we, as parents, are responsible for seeing and noticing, and then providing for them. Below is a visual map of this Circle of Security, so you can get a better idea of what those needs are and the role of the parent in providing those needs.

Image borrowed from Circle of Security International

As parents, the idea is that it’s our job to provide a secure base where children can explore their world, enabling them to feel confident and secure in their adventures and endeavors throughout life. This is the hard part where we learn to let go — remaining present — so that eventually, they feel good about coming back. And when they do come back, because they need to be quieted, assured, and comforted, our role shifts from being that secure base to a safe haven for them to feel safe and accepted. This is how we show our children that no matter how far from home they venture, they’ll always have a loving place to return to. No matter who they become or what they do, we’ll always be there to welcome them back.

The counselors and psychologists who wrote the book and came up with this style of parenting believe that this is what creates a secure attachment with your child, therefore resulting in a secure child. Obviously, no human being can perfectly execute the Circle of Security. It’s given as a roadmap to help parents love and grow their children well with the assurance that mistakes and failures are bound to happen. The important thing is that we learn from them, and keep reaching out our hands as we show our children that it’s ok to be human and that they are safe with us.

As I read about the Circle of Security, I couldn’t help but think of my heavenly Father. I couldn’t help but wonder what style of attachment I’ve formed with Him and how it impacts my worldview, faith, and relationships. But looking at the Circle had me realize that this is a pretty good image of how God parents His own children. Of course our system is a bit broken, His love being perfect and complete. But when I place Abba (Father) into the Circle as my secure base and safe haven, I soften and realize that the parent I long to be, He already is perfectly.

I realize that He lets go, giving me the gift of free will and choice, and chooses to walk alongside me as I explore my world, my desires, my dreams, and more. I see Him watching over me, delighting in me, helping me, and enjoying the adventure of life with me. And then, when my soul cries out for that comfort and safety, He’s always there, waiting with open arms to welcome me Home again. To give me what my soul so desperately needs — His loving, reassuring presence.

When I choose to view God as a loving Father, when I see Him through the lens of truth that He is good, gentle, and kind and not some scary, strict judge in the sky, I can breathe in deeply the reality of saving, unchanging grace. I can freely and securely walk through the world knowing down deep in my bones that I am loved, cared for, honored, and seen. And from that secure place, I’m able to love, show empathy, and give out my own kind of broken grace.

The glory of God shines boldly from those who believe confidently in the love of their Father. And even when we forget, and we give way to shame and fear and guilt, His tenderness is always there waiting to melt away the hurt. Waiting to quiet us with a gentle squeeze of the hand, a kind smile, an encouraging word, and a tight embrace.

The Circle of Security, I believe, is a good roadmap for parenting and one that I would like to try to grow in as a soon-to-be momma. But I also sense a deeper invitation, one not so noticeable on the surface. The invitation to securely attach myself to the Father and Creator of my soul. I think both — cultivating a secure attachment to your child and your heavenly Father — are a lifelong journey that requires a whole lot of grace. But it’s one that I’m willing to commit to because my attachment style to my heavenly Father surely impacts the attachment style I cultivate with my children. How could the two not be so intimately intertwined?

I’m no expert on secure attachment styles, parenting, or God for that matter. In fact, I pray every day for the grace required to live through each moment at least half-decently. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. But what makes each moment, each day, worthwhile isn’t my ability to live it perfectly. What makes each moment and each day worthwhile is remembering that I am constantly invited to turn toward the One Whose presence is always with me, no matter what. That amid every season, His love remains faithful even when I don’t.

That’s the kind of momma and child of God I long to be.

Maybe securely attaching ourselves to God begins by reflecting on how we view Him, and why. The words from Dallas Willard come to mind, “Never believe anything bad about God.”

But we do sometimes, don’t we?

Maybe it starts with getting right down to the root of things and becoming aware of what we believe to be true about God and ourselves in relation to Him. Maybe it’s time we start asking the hard questions, holding space for the unknown, and coming to terms with the fact that all of us — in some way — have formed opinions and beliefs about God due to the kind of environments our faith has been fostered in and the sort of encounters we’ve had with others rather than what’s wholly true about His heart.

Again, grace.

Deconstructing what we know, what we’re comfortable with, is a slow, sometimes painful process. Honestly, we probably spend our entire lives deconstructing in some ways what we believe to be true about God and ourselves, and never fully arrive at any sort of concrete conclusion until the day comes when we stand before Jesus Himself.

But the one thing I — and I hope you, too — come to always believe about God is how deep and wide the Love of the Father flows for all He has created, especially His children. I hope amidst all the tough questions and wrestling and gray areas that we sometimes find ourselves stuck in, that the one thing we continually return Home to is the truth that we are unconditionally and irrevocably loved by our heavenly Father.

Father God is our secure base and safe haven — a steady hand to hold through every season, trial, joy, and heartache. The One Who deserves all our praise because He chooses to draw near yet honors us enough to let us decide whether or not we want to come close.

That’s grace.

That’s love.

“He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young.”

Isaiah 40:11, NIV

With you on the journey,

Celia

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Life Lately

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A Breath Prayer for Your Weekend

Inhale: He gathers the lambs in His arms.

Exhale: And carries them in the fold of His garment.

(adapted from Isaiah 40:11 CSB)

*If you’d like to learn more about the practice of breath prayer, download this complete digital guide to practicing breath prayer.

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Resources & Good Things to Pick Up

My Lectio Divina bookmarks are officially back in stock on my Etsy shop! If you’d like to grab one, you can do so here: The Beholding Co.

My mom is an ovarian cancer survivor who decided to create an encouraging planner for those walking through their cancer journey. It would also be a life-giving tool for caregivers and loved ones walking beside their cancer warrior. The ‘For Such a Time as This’ planner is officially available for purchase now here: Quiet Hope Co.

My Etsy shop, The Beholding Co., offers contemplative resources to help you slow down, seek still moments, and behold God’s presence with you in the everyday. Purchase some breath prayer cards, a Lectio Divina bookmark, and more.

Grab a copy of my Bible study, You Are Beloved: a 21-day study on how to root your identity in the love of God, over on Amazon. If you’d like a free 3-day sample of the study, reply to this email and I’ll send it right over!

My friend and licensed spiritual director, Kari Bartkus, offers an 8-week journaling program for those who want to process their grief and trauma with God within the safety of blank journal pages. I’ve completed the program myself and can say confidently that it was incredibly impactful and healing: Journal Gently

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An Invitation to Pause & Reflect

A regular practice of reflection helps us recognize what’s going on beneath the surface of our souls so we can name it in the Lord’s presence. Because as we learn to name what we feel, what we need, and what we long for, we’re also learning to discern the Spirit’s sweet, gentle voice within our hearts and lives.

Take a few moments today or this weekend to journal or contemplate with the Holy Spirit the following question(s) or prompt(s):

Sometime this weekend or in the coming week, read through Isaiah 40:11 slowly and prayerfully.

“He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young.” (NIV)

What words or phrases stir in your spirit or stick out to you the most?

As you pay attention to these words and how they impact you, do you sense any invitations arising? What is God saying to you through this passage?