Reflections on Beginning Again
One of my favorite quotes, which also happens to be the shortest quote I know, comes from Saint Benedict, a religious reformer who lived in Italy in the late 400s and early 500s. He is known as the “Father of Western Monasticism,” and the patron saint of Europe1.
“Always, we begin again”, he writes.
We are a people who are always beginning again, aren’t we?
We end our days around dinner tables with friends and family, in front of the tv with our favorite shows, or perhaps with a good book in our laps. Then we saunter to the bathroom to brush our teeth and wash our faces, climbing into bed so that sleep can find us.
So that the dawn of a new day — a new beginning — can find us.
Beginnings can be exciting, anxiety-inducing, sad, or all of the above and everything else in between. Your beginning will probably look and feel a bit different than mine, and that’s ok.
But there’s one thing, no matter what, that is always true of every beginning: it means something has ended, leading us here, to begin again.
If you asked me what season of life I’m in, I would tell you that I’m beginning again. I’m beginning to see who I really am underneath the layers and years of unspoken trauma and grief. I’m learning new things about myself, about God, about healing, and how to process big emotions.
I’m also beginning to practice gentleness and compassion with myself, which honestly, has made it much easier to practice with other people. I’m beginning to value community and human connection in ways that I haven’t been able to. I’m beginning to connect with God in new and unconventional ways. I’m beginning to be known here, loved here, held safely here.
What has ended for me is not the grief or even the trauma. I believe both stick with you for your whole life, becoming a part of you and your fabric and your God-story.
What has ended, what is dying, is the shame, the unspokenness of it all, the hiding because I don’t believe I’m worthy of being known and loved, and the self-preserving that has served me well these last ten years but has built up impenetrable walls that don’t just keep the hurt out, but the good things, too.
Those walls are falling, finally, and I find myself here, in this spacious, unknown, light-filled place — beginning again.
I grieve for all that is ending, even the things that need to. Because like it or not, they have been a part of me, my identity, for a decade. And when something has grown to be a part of you for a decade, it’s sad and difficult to cut loose no matter what.
But I see God here, in this place — in this grieving and crying and healing and rejoicing. I see Him here, even when I forget to look for Him, His presence always loud and gentle all at once, tenderly reminding me of His faithful nearness.
I’m learning how to begin again, and with that comes a lesson on how to let things end so that I can step fully into the present.
Endings and beginnings fall into one another, all around us, every day. They are inevitable parts of this hard and beautiful life. And rather than avoid them or fear them, I think I’m going to choose to let them form me. To view them not as monsters hiding under the bed, but as sweet invitations to let eternity come crashing in — to let God’s presence mind the gap between what is ending and what is wanting to begin again.
“Always, we begin again”, Saint Benedict writes.
And always, in every ending and every new beginning, is a brand new opportunity to be drawn deeper into the heart of God. An invitation to take up space, breathe deeply, receive Love and Light, and allow the present to hold you and ground you.
Peace be with you,
Celia
A Breath Prayer for Your Weekend
breathe in:
He brought me out.
breathe out:
Into a spacious place. (adapted from Psalm 18:19)
*if you’d like to learn more about the practice of breath prayer, check out this blog post I wrote titled, How to Use Breath Prayer.
A Blessing for A New Beginning
from John O’Donohue’s To Bless the Space Between Us
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
Resources & Good Things to Pick Up
Grab a copy of To Bless the Space Between Us by John O’Donohue. I always find it helpful to reach for the words of others in prayer and blessing when I can’t find my own. And John’s words always feel like taking a deep breath: To Bless the Space Between Us
Author and podcaster, Emily P. Freeman, has released a few podcast episodes on the topic of endings and beginnings. You can listen to those here: Find the Beginning in the Ending & Be a Beginner
Last week on my website, I wrote a long-form piece of writing on what Christian spiritual formation is and how to live into it. If this topic interests you, or you want to learn more about the Abide Spiritual Formation Program, check it out here: Understanding Christian Spiritual Formation
My friend and licensed spiritual director, Kari Bartkus, offers an 8-week journaling program for those who want to process their grief and trauma with God within the safety of blank journal pages. I’ve completed the program myself and can say confidently that it was incredibly impactful and healing: Journal Gently
Grab some breath prayer cards, a journal, and other contemplative resources from my Etsy shop: The Beholding Co.
Grab a copy of my Bible study, You Are Beloved: a 21-day study on how to root your identity in the love of God, over on Amazon. And if you’d like a free 3-day sample of the study, hit reply to this email and I’ll send it right over!
An Invitation to Pause & Reflect
A regular practice of reflection helps us recognize what’s going on beneath the surface of our souls so we can name it in the Lord’s presence. Because as we learn to name what we feel, what we need, and what we long for, we’re also learning to discern the Spirit’s sweet, gentle voice within our hearts and lives.
Take a few moments today or this weekend to journal or contemplate with the Holy Spirit the following question(s) or prompt(s):
What beginnings and endings do you notice happening in your life? In your soul?
Where do you see God in the midst of it?
https://www.britannica.com/biography/Saint-Benedict-of-Nursia
Please send me your free 3 day sample of the Bible Study How to root your identity in the Love of God. I love your weekly readings! All God's Blessings 🙌