Writings of a Beholder 🌿 6.23.23

Finding myself in community again

Finding Myself in Community Again

I’m sort of new when it comes to the whole community thing.

For many years, I sort of lived hidden and closed off, present in the crowd and at the table physically but hardly ever able to be present emotionally. Because of some of the wounds that I was carrying but hadn’t yet sought healing for, it made it nearly impossible to connect past the shallow end of a conversation. I had thought that stuffing down the pain of my past and pretending like it wasn’t there was how to bolster on through. But with each passing year, the weight of pent-up trauma and tears grew too heavy and my soul grew too lonely.

I needed someone to help me process my experiences, to hold safe space for my questions, my doubts, and my tears. I needed to move beyond myself and into community so that I could receive the healing and the closure that I so desperately needed and wanted.

I started seeing a counselor for the first time in February of this year, and little by little, I began to remember and believe in the value that community holds. How sacred it is to share your vulnerabilities with safe people who are capable of sitting with you where it hurts most.

My counselor encouraged me to start small and to begin sharing my story with a few people who could hold it gently with me. So, I did. And little by little the shame and the fear that had festered in the dark, alone, for so long finally got brought out into the Light and was given a spacious place to breathe deep and be washed clean by the grace and solidarity found in community.

The people who held me safely and tenderly helped me bring my whole self into the Light of Love. And the more I allowed myself to be brought into the Light of that Love, the more I was able to believe that it was mine to receive freely and without condition or hesitation. Being held in safe and emotionally healthy community has helped me remember how deep the Father’s Love is for me.

Here, I am learning, finally, how to truly behold God’s face in the eyes of those who have dared to go the distance with me — who have let me show my humanity and not turned away in disgust, but instead showed me theirs and said, “You are not alone in your pain and your struggle. You are welcome here.”

I’m moving slowly towards connection again, awkwardly and imperfectly, while constantly having to remind myself that this healing journey is just that — a journey. It’s a slow and nonlinear process that requires my own love, patience, and gentleness toward myself as well as a constant receiving of the Father’s love, patience, and gentleness toward me.

And despite how awkward and out of place I’ve felt at times, I’m determined to continue moving forward, to keep fighting for my softness and my vulnerability in safe spaces because I’m learning here that connection is dang near impossible if you don’t allow your humanity to show.

Isn’t that what Jesus did?

He entered into His own humanity and then called forth the humanity of others by laying hands on the blind and the ill (Mark 8:23, Luke 4:40), by asking questions that pointed to deeper things (Luke 18:41), and by reclining at tables and speaking words of love and truth (Luke 7:36). The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among His people (John 1:14), and it was through connection and community that He chose to heal His lost and hurting people.

And it is through community and connection — with Him and His people — that He still heals and restores and makes all things new.

“Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
 If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
 Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

A cord of safe people — an emotionally healthy community — wrapped around you in Love and Light is never quickly broken. It’s taken me ten years to believe and actually live into the words I’m writing to you, today, friend. And even still, I have days where people overwhelm me, and I need to find my own sacred space to be alone with God.

If you have been deeply wounded by unsafe people and unhealthy communities, I want you to know that you are seen, you are welcome here, and I’m sorry for the pain that those places and people who were supposed to be safe but ended up being destructive, caused you.

I’m sorry for the betrayal that cut deep, the words that sliced your soul, and the way the pain of those memories drains the joy right out of connection and community. I understand because I still have moments where I retreat into myself, too, because of memories that haunt me like ghosts.

The good news is, we are not called to perfect community — such a thing doesn’t exist on this side of heaven. What we are invited into is our own humanity and the sharing of stories and broken hearts with those who deserve a seat at our table.

We are invited to believe that community can be good again and that we can find ourselves here again, in connection with those who reflect the Father’s gaze and leave us a bit more whole and healed than when they found us.

Little by little, step by step, we can find the good in people again.

We can find the good in ourselves again.

With you on the journey,

Celia

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A Breath Prayer for Your Weekend

breathe in:

The Word became flesh.

breathe out:

And dwelt among us. (adapted from John 1:14)

*if you’d like to learn more about the practice of breath prayer, check out this blog post I wrote titled, How to Use Breath Prayer.

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Resources & Good Things to Pick Up

A book that has been super helpful to me in how I view myself in community and relationship with God, myself, and others is The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen. It’s becoming one of my favorite books: Get it on Amazon

When it comes to community and the topic of belonging, my mind immediately travels to Sarah E. Westfall — a writer and believer who is always sharing insight and loving truth on these subjects. Give her a follow on Instagram if community and belonging are topics that interest you: Sarah E. Westfall

There are officially candles available for purchase on my Etsy shop, The Beholding Co.! They are 8oz candles that smell lightly of freshly brewed coffee that is contained in very pretty amber-colored jars. On the front is a label that reads, “be still & know”, and may its flame bring stillness to your soul as you remember that God’s presence is with you wherever you go: Be Still & Know Candle

Grab some breath prayer cards, a journal, and other contemplative resources from my Etsy shop: The Beholding Co.

Grab a copy of my Bible study, You Are Beloved: a 21-day study on how to root your identity in the love of God, over on Amazon. And if you’d like a free 3-day sample of the study, reply to this email and I’ll send it right over!

My friend and licensed spiritual director, Kari Bartkus, offers an 8-week journaling program for those who want to process their grief and trauma with God within the safety of blank journal pages. I’ve completed the program myself and can say confidently that it was incredibly impactful and healing: Journal Gently

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An Invitation to Pause & Reflect

A regular practice of reflection helps us recognize what’s going on beneath the surface of our souls so we can name it in the Lord’s presence. Because as we learn to name what we feel, what we need, and what we long for, we’re also learning to discern the Spirit’s sweet, gentle voice within our hearts and lives.

Take a few moments today or this weekend to journal or contemplate with the Holy Spirit the following question(s) or prompt(s):

**It may be helpful when reflecting on these topics to remind yourself of how loved you are by God, no matter where you feel like you belong in community. Because the truth is, your belonging isn’t determined by people or places. Your belonging is sealed by the Love of Christ and nothing or no one could ever change that truth.

Take a few moments this weekend to meditate and reflect on Psalm 139. What do you hear God speaking to you about yourself through this Psalm?

How do you feel about being in connection and community with others? With God?

How has community wounded you?

How has community encouraged and helped heal you?