In his book, Soul Keeping: Caring for the Most Important Part of You, Pastor John Ortberg writes,
“When we reach out to God, we are lifting our souls up to be nurtured and healed. A soul centered in God always knows it has a heavenly Father Who will hold its pain, its fear, its anxiety. This is spiritual life: to place the soul each moment in the presence and care of God.”
This season of my life is teaching me many things, but the one thing that keeps resurfacing again and again is the theme of surrender and rest. For all of my life fear and control have been my vices. I remember when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer roughly seven years ago, my initial instinct was to turn away in anger from God and try my hardest to control and manage the outcome rather than running to Him — resting in Him.
After nearly a year of running from God and walking around as a very angry and hurt person during my mom’s cancer diagnosis, I returned to Him. He slowly and carefully picked up the broken pieces of me and instead of putting them back in place, He rearranged them and decided to make something new out of my self-inflicted wounds.
Thankfully since then, I’ve noticed some growth within me.
My tendency toward fear and control is still very much present, but I see them now and am more aware of their presence in my life. I can sense more easily when they start to rear their ugly heads and scream their desire to take over.
As I find myself in week 20 of my first pregnancy, I’ve noticed quite a few times throughout this whole process when fear and control have taken over and the anxiety that always seems to follow. This season has been stretching me in new ways, and with each new unknown or obscurity related to this baby, I find myself faced with two choices: give into the fear and take it upon myself to try and control the outcome, or run to God and give Him myself as I surrender my expectations and trust Him with the outcome, no matter what it may be.
Maybe at first glance, the first choice seems easier and more secure. I mean, we’ve probably all heard the saying, “If you want it done right, do it yourself.” But the constant building up of anxiety in my chest every time I choose me would argue that, no, it’s not easy at all to place burdens on yourself that aren’t yours to carry — such as futuristic outcomes that you have absolutely no say over.
So I’ve been practicing something different, something that’s bringing me true peace in this season. The kind of peace that isn’t based on outcomes or circumstances, but the kind of peace that surpasses understanding no matter the outcome or circumstance I face.
It’s exhausting to try and manage outcomes. The more I put my hope in my desired outcome, the more exhausted and stressed I become because I wasn’t created to find my security in what’s happening around me, to me, or to those I love. I was created to find my security and rest in God alone.
“Rest in God alone, my soul,
for my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I will not be shaken.”(Psalm 62:5-6, CSB)
My hope is in God alone, and it is in Him alone that my soul can find true rest — true, lasting peace. Anything else outside of my soul at rest in God alone and my self-fabricated form of peace will soon turn to ashes in the wind. Life can be cruel, harsh, and downright painful. The only One capable of sustaining me is Jesus, and that’s why He’s the only One worthy of holding my soul through every season so that I can rest and trust that even if I don’t get my desired outcome, I will be ok because He’s what I need most of all.
I return to John Ortberg’s words at the beginning of this letter, “A soul centered in God always knows it has a heavenly Father Who will hold its pain, its fear, its anxiety. This is spiritual life: to place the soul each moment in the presence and care of God.” His words make me think of Jesus’ teaching from Matthew 7:24-27,
“Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain fell, the rivers rose, and the winds blew and pounded that house. Yet it didn’t collapse, because its foundation was on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and doesn’t act on them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, the rivers rose, the winds blew and pounded that house, and it collapsed. It collapsed with a great crash.” (CSB)
John Ortberg and Jesus are saying similar things here — center your soul on Christ, build your foundation on Him, and your house will not fall. Center your soul on outcomes, managing expectations, fear, anxiety, and everything external, and your house will surely fall to ruin.
Two choices that lead to two very different outcomes.
I’ve been practicing and struggling to build my foundation on the rock by centering my soul on God rather than on me, my capabilities, and my desired outcomes. It’s been painful and hard, but I can already see the fruit coming from it. I can see God with me in this wrestling, sense His kindness and tenderness toward me as this season stretches me in more ways than one.
In the process, He’s teaching me to take my focus off of my desired outcomes and onto Him. I’m learning here that being present to God and coming to Him with all that I carry — fear, joy, anger, anxiety, questions, etc. — is where He wants me to be. He wants me to be with Him in this as He is always with me. There’s an invitation every day to be present to Him, to walk in His Spirit day by day, moment by moment. As I practice letting go of my desire for control and for a specific outcome, I’m learning what it looks like to have joy and peace in the midst of uncertainty.
There’s a breath prayer that’s been very life-giving to me lately that was given to me by my spiritual director. It comes from Psalm 55:22 and goes like this:
Breathe in: I cast my burdens onto You, Lord.
Breathe out: You will sustain me.
Another breath prayer I’ve been clinging to comes from Psalm 62:1, perhaps this one will speak to you, too.
Breathe in: My soul finds rest.
Breathe out: In God alone.
Each time the fear, anxiety, and control threaten to consume me and my desire for an outcome starts to become greater than my desire for God, I pause, breathe in and out these sacred words, and cast my burdens onto Jesus. By doing this, I recenter my soul on God and I’m able to receive His rest. Perhaps if you find yourself struggling with fear or control like me in this season of your life, this practice can be one way in which you ground yourself again in Jesus amidst the storms and uncertainties.
This practice is more than just an act of grounding though, it’s a posture of surrender that will shape and form us and plant seeds of hope and trust within us.
And it’s here, in the breathing in and out of His Word that He comes close and whispers words of love and gentleness.
It’s here, in the letting go that I know down deep in my bones that a soul centered is a soul at rest.
With you on the journey,
Celia
Life Lately
A Breath Prayer for Your Weekend
Inhale: I cast my burdens onto You, Lord.
Exhale: You will sustain me.
(adapted from Psalm 55:22, CSB)
*If you’d like to learn more about the practice of breath prayer, download this complete digital guide to practicing breath prayer.
Resources & Good Things to Pick Up
Our church has been singing this song together during worship on Sundays and I’ve been playing it at home on repeat. It’s been giving me language for my own heart’s prayer, and maybe it will do the same for you: Firm Foundation
My mom is an ovarian cancer survivor who decided to create an encouraging planner for those walking through their cancer journey. It would also be a life-giving tool for caregivers and loved ones walking beside their cancer warrior. The ‘For Such a Time as This’ planner is officially available for purchase now here: Quiet Hope Co.
My Etsy shop, The Beholding Co., offers contemplative resources to help you slow down, seek still moments, and behold God’s presence with you in the everyday. Purchase some breath prayer cards, a Lectio Divina bookmark, and more.
Grab a copy of my Bible study, You Are Beloved: a 21-day study on how to root your identity in the love of God, over on Amazon. If you’d like a free 3-day sample of the study, reply to this email and I’ll send it right over!
My friend and licensed spiritual director, Kari Bartkus, offers an 8-week journaling program for those who want to process their grief and trauma with God within the safety of blank journal pages. I’ve completed the program myself and can say confidently that it was incredibly impactful and healing: Journal Gently
An Invitation to Pause & Reflect
A regular practice of reflection helps us recognize what’s going on beneath the surface of our souls so we can name it in the Lord’s presence. Because as we learn to name what we feel, what we need, and what we long for, we’re also learning to discern the Spirit’s sweet, gentle voice within our hearts and lives.
Take a few moments today or this weekend to journal or contemplate with the Holy Spirit the following question(s) or prompt(s):
What in your life right now feels uncertain or scary? Name it and then ponder with the Lord how you might practice hoping in Him rather than your circumstances.
If you’re not facing anything uncertain or scary right now, consider how you respond when uncertainty does come. What is your foundation built on?
It IS exhausting to try to control outcomes! And the best I can do is try because I am not in control of them at all. Thanks for this well written message!