Welcome to February, friend.
As we wave goodbye to January and say hello to a new month, I pray that you take a moment to pause and reflect on how God met you in the first month of the new year. Pausing at the threshold and naming the good and the hard and everything in between is how we bear witness to our lives and notice how the Spirit is slowly, even subtly, shaping and growing us.
If you’ve been reading January’s Beholding letters, you may have noticed a recurring theme. At the beginning of each new year, a typical (and common) rhythm for me is to listen for a word or phrase from Jesus as an anchoring point for walking through the year. This year though, it’s been a bit different — I’ve felt more called toward an invitation — a more fully formed but not totally fleshed out idea — rather than one specific word.
This year, I feel invited to explore and grow in walking in the Spirit of God. With that, there’s this call to come and abide in a deeper and more intimate way as I try to slow my pace to match His own.
Walk — Abide.
It’s an invitation to lean in close and let go of the control I tend to cling so tightly to and let my lungs exhale, shoulders sagging in relief, as I finally learn what it means to rest in and be held by Love. As I grow in abiding, this surrendering to intimacy, that I think I’ve resisted, perhaps unknowingly, for so long.
I shared with you last week that my husband and I are expecting our first baby — a sweet baby girl. For those of you ladies who have had children, maybe you can relate to the first-trimester challenges that come with pregnancy. For me, it was as if my entire identity got stripped down. I wasn’t feeling well, my energy levels were nearly non-existent, and the rhythms and ways of living that I had grown so accustomed to had to change, and that was incredibly difficult for me.
I realized in those first 12 weeks of pregnancy that I find a lot of security in my routine. I also realized how terribly hard I am on myself and that the expectations I set are often not the expectations that Jesus has for me. I place most of my identity in my work ethic, and productivity levels, and base the health of my soul and relationship with God on my ‘quiet time’ routine.
When I took a shaky step back, I noticed that all of this depended solely on me and not the Lord. Love was missing in those places where I found my self-worth. Striving, proving, and pouring out was my way of staying afloat so much so that nearly drowning in my own self-sufficiency had become the norm.
Whoa. That feels heavy, doesn’t it? Can you relate at all?
I found myself one morning crying on the couch, not able to stomach my morning tea, and having absolutely zero desire to pick up my Bible, journal, or any sort of devotional. Reading anything at that point threatened to bring on another bout of nausea. I felt shame in that moment, so much heaviness, for not being able to give anything to the Lord and show up in my life as I usually would.
It was then that I felt Love’s tender presence wrap around me and whisper, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)”
“Weakness?! But I hate weakness!” I remember saying. “How can you love me when I have nothing to offer you?”
“Your weakness makes room for more of my abiding presence. In weakness, you learn the true meaning of grace.”
I learned then that grace can only be received when I’m humble enough to let myself need — to let myself be weak. Then Love’s arms wrapped tighter around me and for the first time in what felt like my whole life, I felt free from producing and open to just receiving His presence as it came to me, right there on a living room couch through tears and morning sickness.
The writer of all things beholding had forgotten the main point of what it means to behold: to let God meet you in all things, in every form, just as you are, and that abiding is about letting yourself be loved right where your feet are actually planted. So every morning after, I woke, sat on the couch, and let Him come to me and hold me. Slowly, and uncomfortably, I started to let myself receive and believe that nowhere in all of Scripture does it say that a quiet time routine is your way to heaven or that routine and productivity make me more loveable.
Grace. An abundance of grace marked my January and a learning to let go and be loved. Learning that beholding is inviting God into every area of your life, learning how to take Him with you, no matter the state of your body or heart. This is what it means to abide, to walk in step with the Holy Spirit.
To need and be weak is not a curse but a gift that allows us to unwrap the powerful peace and presence of God in our lives. The challenge is denying our pride so that we can let humility have her soothing, refining way with us. Grace often doesn’t find us pretty, and a prerequisite for love is not to have everything right in a row and tied up in a bow. Grace finds us on our knees, right where we should be, and leaves us knowing we are loved and more than enough.
What a crazy, beautiful, and hard 12 weeks it was. Now that I’m nearly 15 weeks and thankfully past the nausea — my energy slowly returning — I feel invited to remember and practice these truths I learned in those hard moments. To recite the words of Psalm 23 over and over again, resting and rejoicing in the reality that I’m sheep and He the good and faithful Shepherd.
First and foremost, I’m created to be loved, no matter what I have or don’t have to offer. My identity is rooted in the Love of God that never changes, falters, or fails and as I learn to abide in that truth, I’m certain joy will bloom. Abiding always leads to fruitfulness because as we abide, He tends to what needs tending to and before we know it, we’re being conformed to the image of the One Who made us — breathed life into us.
“Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
as long as I live.”(Psalm 23:5, CSB)
I’ll spend my whole life learning how to remember this truth — learning how to live within it. Learning how to believe in His goodness inside of my weakness.
May your February be filled with grace and peace, friend, and the truth of how very deep the Father’s Love runs for you.
With you on the journey,
Celia
Life Lately
A Breath Prayer for Your Weekend
Inhale: His grace.
Exhale: Is sufficient.
(adapted from 2 Cor. 12:9)
*If you’d like to learn more about the practice of breath prayer, download this complete digital guide to practicing breath prayer.
Resources & Good Things to Pick Up
My mom is an ovarian cancer survivor who decided to create an encouraging planner for those walking through their cancer journey. It would also be a life-giving tool for caregivers and loved ones walking beside their cancer warrior. The ‘For Such a Time as This’ planner is officially available for purchase now here: Quiet Hope Co.
My Etsy shop, The Beholding Co., offers contemplative resources to help you slow down, seek still moments, and behold God’s presence with you in the everyday. Purchase some breath prayer cards, a Lectio Divina bookmark, and more.
Grab a copy of my Bible study, You Are Beloved: a 21-day study on how to root your identity in the love of God, over on Amazon. If you’d like a free 3-day sample of the study, reply to this email and I’ll send it right over!
My friend and licensed spiritual director, Kari Bartkus, offers an 8-week journaling program for those who want to process their grief and trauma with God within the safety of blank journal pages. I’ve completed the program myself and can say confidently that it was incredibly impactful and healing: Journal Gently
For those wanting to learn more about Karis’ Journal Gently program, she’s offering a one-hour-long workshop exploring one way to use journaling as a way to meet with God on the pages of your journal, particularly after experiencing loss or trauma. The deadline to sign up is February 10th, so register here: Journal Gently Mini Workshop
An Invitation to Pause & Reflect
A regular practice of reflection helps us recognize what’s going on beneath the surface of our souls so we can name it in the Lord’s presence. Because as we learn to name what we feel, what we need, and what we long for, we’re also learning to discern the Spirit’s sweet, gentle voice within our hearts and lives.
Take a few moments today or this weekend to journal or contemplate with the Holy Spirit the following question(s) or prompt(s):
What do you find yourself tying your worth to?
What new invitations may be emerging in February?
How has God’s grace revealed itself in your life lately?