Writings of a Beholder 🌿 1.26.24

Learning to Live Loved

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

As we near the end of January I find myself wondering where the time has gone. Is it normal to feel that way already, at the start of a new year? Because here I am, looking around, realizing that we’re nearly to the threshold of the second month of 2024 and I realize as much as I try, time does tend to move at its own pace.

In these first three or four weeks of the new year, I’m learning how to be kinder to myself, to show grace where grace is needed as I practice walking in step with the Spirit. I’m noticing that the closer I abide — the more I prioritize communion with my Creator over striving and high standards — the softer I’m becoming, not only toward myself but others, too.

It’s funny how when you really lean into learning how to abide in the Spirit how clearly you see yourself. Maybe that’s because for the first time ever, or for the first time in a long while, you’re learning to see yourself as Abba God sees you, and not as you solely see yourself.

The Lord whispered to me in the early days of January a question I won’t forget: “What do you see when you look at Me?”

I pondered for a moment, taking in the smile lines around his kind eyes, and said, “Well, I see Love. I see patience, kindness, goodness, and gentleness.

I see everything that I am not.”

He looked at me for a long moment, smiled gently, and stepped toward me slowly.

“Beloved,” He said tenderly, “Perhaps when you look at Me it’s time to start seeing everything that you are rather than everything you are not.”

It didn’t take long before silent tears were running down my face, His sweet words of loving-kindness melting the hard shell around me that’s been formed over years of leaning into my own self-reliance and man-made strength. I hadn’t realized how tired I’d become until I heard Him utter those words, like sweet relief cracking right down the center of my soul.

Like the sound of stone walls crumbling to the ground.

“You mean to tell me that I don’t have to be strong?” I whispered through my tears. “That I can look at you and love me, too?”

The tenderest of embraces was His only response, as — like a mother would to her child — He wiped my tears and stroked the hair out of my face.

A resounding yes hammered through my chest as sacred words of love and truth filled my mind,

“For it was you who created my inward parts;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise you
because I have been remarkably and wondrously made.
Your works are wondrous,
and I know this very well.
My bones were not hidden from you
when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in your book and planned
before a single one of them began.”

(Psalm 139:13-16, CSB)

And then I remembered the words rendered from God in the Garden,

“Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness. They will rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the livestock, the whole earth, and the creatures that crawl on the earth.”

So God created man
in his own image;
he created him in the image of God;
he created them male and female.

God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it.”

(Genesis 1:26-28, CSB)

I’m made in the image of my God — His breath fills my lungs and that alone is evidence of the greatest kind of Love. He blessed mankind, blessed our very humanity, knowing that it would be so very broken. Knowing that His Son would have to painfully piece it back together again.

I can’t comprehend this kind of Love, it doesn’t make sense to me. But I know that when He looks at me He sees beauty and strength and a whole lot of grace, and even though it confounds me, I’m being invited to love Him deeper — abide deeper — and I can’t do that if I loathe what He created — me.

When we know and believe how much we are loved, the dark parts of our hearts are more easily surrendered to the Light. When we know Whose we are, we know Him better. I think Dr. David G. Benner says it perfectly in his book, The Gift of Being Yourself.

“Christian spirituality involves a transformation of the self that occurs only when God and self are both deeply known. Both, therefore, have an important place in Christian spirituality. There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self, and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God. John Calvin wrote, “Nearly the whole of sacred doctrine consists in these two parts: knowledge of God and of ourselves.”

We are not God, but God resides within those who have received Him. And I wonder — after that first initial yes to Jesus — if there’s a daily receiving needed that most of us live unaware of. The daily receiving of being loved so deeply and so unconditionally that the false things we attach ourselves to — money, sex, substances, productivity, unrealistic expectations, bitterness, jealousy, etc. — naturally begin to break, making room for more of who we were created to be.

I keep coming back to one thing as I contemplate and prayerfully ponder what it means to walk in the Spirit: Love. I truly believe it holds all things together, including you and me. I truly believe it’s powerful enough to heal and refine and transform and grow new, good things.

I’m beginning to think it’s the one thing truly needed to grow anything.

“Above all, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.” (Colossians 3:14, CSB)

“Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love—but the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13, CSB)

I know there’s so much more to unpack here, but I think when we remember to live in loving union with our Creator — receiving and giving that love —something in us clicks into place and suddenly, it’s all a little more simple. So I suppose I’ll continue to let myself be led deeper into this way of walking and abiding, learning and beholding as I go.

Learning to love and learning to live loved.

Learning to abide.

Learning to listen.

Learning to walk slowly, gently, and at my Savior’s pace.

These are the seeds being planted in me.

With you on the journey,

Celia

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Life Lately

Exciting life update and something to pray for: my husband and I are expecting our first baby! We’re both ecstatic and terrified which I’m told is completely normal, but more than anything we’re thankful. We would appreciate your prayers as we walk through this new season of life! 💛

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A Breath Prayer for Your Weekend

Inhale: For it was You.

Exhale: Who created my inward parts.

(adapted from Psalm 139:13)

*If you’d like to learn more about the practice of breath prayer, download this complete digital guide to practicing breath prayer.

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Resources & Good Things to Pick Up

My mom is an ovarian cancer survivor who decided to create an encouraging planner for those walking through their cancer journey. It would also be a life-giving tool for caregivers and loved ones walking beside their cancer warrior. The ‘For Such a Time as This’ planner is officially available for purchase now here: Quiet Hope Co.

My Etsy shop, The Beholding Co., offers contemplative resources to help you slow down, seek still moments, and behold God’s presence with you in the everyday. Purchase some breath prayer cards, a Lectio Divina bookmark, and more.

Grab a copy of my Bible study, You Are Beloved: a 21-day study on how to root your identity in the love of God, over on Amazon. If you’d like a free 3-day sample of the study, reply to this email and I’ll send it right over!

My friend and licensed spiritual director, Kari Bartkus, offers an 8-week journaling program for those who want to process their grief and trauma with God within the safety of blank journal pages. I’ve completed the program myself and can say confidently that it was incredibly impactful and healing: Journal Gently

For those wanting to learn more about Karis’ Journal Gently program, she’s offering a one-hour-long workshop exploring one way to use journaling as a way to meet with God on the pages of your journal, particularly after experiencing loss or trauma. The deadline to sign up is February 10th, so register here: Journal Gently Mini Workshop

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An Invitation to Pause & Reflect

A regular practice of reflection helps us recognize what’s going on beneath the surface of our souls so we can name it in the Lord’s presence. Because as we learn to name what we feel, what we need, and what we long for, we’re also learning to discern the Spirit’s sweet, gentle voice within our hearts and lives.

Take a few moments today or this weekend to journal or contemplate with the Holy Spirit the following question(s) or prompt(s):

What do you see when you look at Jesus?

What do you suppose He sees when He looks at you?